Two-fisted Tales of Toileting

BRAIN: Welp, time to urinate.

BLADDER: Use a cubicle! Use a cubicle! Urinals make me nervous.

Fine, there’s one free – in we go…

Wow, it’s really quiet.


Like, weirdly quiet. The guy in the next stall is making no noise at all.

I guess not.

That means he’ll be able to hear every noise we make.

That is how sound works, yes.

Eeeevery noise. Every… little… tinkle.

Can we just do this?


Fucksake, you don’t even know who’s in there. Who cares?

I care! I care more than anything I’ve ever cared about before.

OK, fine. We’ll come back later – maybe no-one will be around then.

NOOOO!!! If we go out now, he’ll have heard us walk into a toilet cubicle, do nothing for a minute then walk out again – what’s he going to think?!

Gnggh. OK, so go already.

Yeah… Yeah, I’ll just – NOOOO!!!

What now?!

Well, he’s already heard us standing here doing nothing – if I do it now it’ll sound like we were having trouble going!

Seems like we are having trouble going.

Yeah, but this is just… deliberation. He’ll think there’s something wrong with us – like, medically. Like our bits don’t work or something.

So what do you propose?

I think it’s obvious what we have to do: we stand here IN PERFECT SILENCE until he’s done, then we can go.

Right, that’s beyond crazy – I’m pulling rank here. You go now or I will punch us in the kidneys.

Uh… uh… OK. Yeah, OK. I just get a bit worked up sometimes. OK.

There, all done. And the other guy’s still in his cubicle. We can go now and no-one will ever know a thing.

Right. Right – oh shit, I can hear him fiddling with the toilet paper – he must be nearly done!

No biggie – we’ll wash our hands and be out of here in a second.

But what if we’re too slow? What if we’re still in here when he comes out of his cubicle? We’ll know who he is and he’ll know who we are! WHAT IF WE MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!

– – – – – – – – –

It was never clear just why Josh threw a live hand grenade into the men’s toilets, screamed “I’ll see you all in HELL!” and dived headfirst down the stairwell and into legend. No body was ever found.


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